by Ed DeJesus
Data Communications, pg 88, (~April issue),

Darth Vader took two giant strides toward the immense visiscreen that occupied the forward wall of the bridge of his flagship, Imperial star destroyer. We've got them now, he rumbled. Whirling on the technicians cowering at their consoles, Vader snapped, Tractor beam!

Yes, Lord Vader, replied one, bending attentively to his task. Then he looked up hesitantly.

Vader gestured dramatically at the screen, indicating the fleeing spacecraft. I want a tractor beam on that ship, he declared. Now!

The technician busied himself with switches and dials.

Where's that tractor beam? roared Vader, his voice dark with menace.

The other technicians turned frightened eyes on their peer. They knew what happened when Darth Vader's instructions weren't executed instantly. The tractor beam seems to be down, sir, quavered the technician.

What do you mean 'down'? Vader inquired with a disturbing silkiness to his voice.

It's not accepting commands, sir, the technician explained. Another technician leaned over and examined the console. That's odd. The beam itself is showing green, he pointed out.

Yes, I know, agreed the first, but I'm not getting any acknowledgment to my 'Engage' command. He pressed a button several times to demonstrate.

Maybe the network's down again, suggested a third technician. I'll call tech support.

The network might be down, Lord Vader, the first technician informed the large black figure.

What network? Vader asked ominously.

The second technician jumped in. Since we've moved to a distributed architecture on the Imperial star destroyers, everything is on a network. It was felt that the direct connections were too unreliable. The third technician added, the tractor beam is on one of the peripheral subnetworks, with the printers and the scanners. It's not on the main weapons network.

Why isn't the tractor beam on the weapons network? asked Vader, now more puzzled than angry.

The technicians exchanged sheepish looks. It was embarrassing to have to point out something so obvious to a superior. The second technician cleared his throat. Well, sir, the weapons network is a higher priority. It makes more sense to put the less commonly used systems on a separate subnetwork that has lower QOS.

QOS? Vader queried.

Say, said the first technician. How about if we ping the tractor beam? Let me bring up a telnet window.

Telnet? asked Vader, now obviously confused, Ping?

The first technician glanced briefly at Vader, a little annoyed at the interruptions. Why couldn't this guy keep up with the service bulletins? The system runs Unix, but the consoles run NT 5000, he replied with exaggerated patience. You need a telnet window to ping the element. He turned his attention back to the screen. That's strange. it comes back 'active.' Listen, when you get tech support tell them we can't engage the tractor but we can ping it.

Right, said the third technician. I'm still on hold.

What if we just call the guys down at tractor control and have them engage the beam manually? asked the second technician. Vader seemed to brighten up at this, and swiveled his head from one to another.

Good idea, said the first technician. He lifted his communicator and tapped the switch. Nothing, he said. The second technician shook his head. Didn't we tell them we couldn't handle voice and data with that little bandwidth?

Suddenly Vader noticed the visiscreen and let out a bellow of anger. They're gone! he boomed.

The third technician looked up. I got tech support!


Definitions for the Cyber-Office

404 -- Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 -URL Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Usage: "Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."

Adminisphere -- The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Alpha Geek -- The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.

Assmosis -- The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BRB (Big Red Button) -- The reset button on the computer that forces a restart even when the three finger salute (ibid) fails. So named because the button was red on some early PCs. Usage: 'The box is completely locked up. Looks like it's BRB time.'

Bandwidth -- Time or energy available for a given task. Usage: 'I don't have the bandwidth to finish that report by tonight.'

Bitstorm -- A volume of network traffic on a service high enough to cause the digital equivalent of gridlock.

Black Hole: A project requiring infinite amounts of work.

Blamestorming -- Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Body Nazis -- Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Braindump -- A process by which one imparts large amounts of essential information to another person in five minutes or less.

CLM (Career Limiting Move) -- Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. For instance, trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

COB (Close Of Business) -- 5 pm, the traditional end of the working day.

Context-switch -- To change subjects. Usage: 'Enough about outsourcing issues. Let's context-switch to planning the rollout.'

Cube Critter -- Denizen of a large, cubicle-filled office space

Cube Farm -- Large, cubicle-filled office space

Cycles -- A synonym for time. Usage: 'There aren't enough cycles in the day to drive this issue.'

Death March -- The long, lingering final countdown to a deadline, involving 16-25-hour days, catnaps on couches, and plenty of flat food (ibid).

Disconnect -- Miscommunication. Usage: 'We had a disconnect on the HTML issue.'

Drive -- To push; to captain the initiative on a particular issue or project. Usage: 'Ed is driving the research for that story himself.'

EBS (Enhanced Buzzword Support) -- A product upgrade that does little except give marketers new things to talk about is said to have 'EBS.'

EOD (End of Day) -- The end of the working day, may or may not coincide with COB (ibid).

Exposure -- Those areas for which one's ass is not covered." Usage: 'Our exposure for the section is the skimpy content.'

Facemail -- Technologically backward means of communication, clearly inferior to voicemail or e-mail. Involves actually walking to someone's office and speaking to him or her face to face. Considered highly inefficient and declasse.

Feewall -- A barrier of demarcation for financial responsibility. "Does this project fall on our side of the feewall?" translates directly as "Do we have to pay for this?"

Fiber Media -- Material published on the hopelessly archaic medium of paper.

Flat Food -- Food, mostly from vending machines, that can be slipped under people's office doors so they can keep working without interruption.

Flight Risk -- Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

G.O.O.D. Job -- A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Generica -- Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

Granular -- Generally, and rather peculiarly, used in tandem with the verb "to get," as in "We need to get granular on this issue," meaning to examine the fine details.

Gronk -- The sound of a computer embroiled in bandwidth issues. Usage: 'I tried to reboot, but my computer just sat there gronking until I had to call Help Desk.'

Headline -- Summary. Usage: 'Just give me the headline.'

Heads-Up -- An alert; a signal to be ready to deal with an issue. Can also be used as a verb.

Hourglass Eye -- A clinical disorder that is caused when the Windows Hourglass mouse cursor is permanently etched into the retina.

Idea Hamsters -- People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Irritainment -- Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Live -- Reside, is located. Usage: 'Where will this data live?' means 'Where will I be able to find this data?'

Marketroid -- A member of a company's marketing department, especially one who promises users that the next version of a product will have features that are not actually scheduled for inclusion, are extremely difficult to implement, and/or are in violation of the laws of physics; and/or one who describes existing features (and misfeatures) in ebullient, buzzword-laden adspeak.

Mouse Potato -- The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Multicrashing -- The ability of a computer program to crash and bring other programs down with it, usually causing the loss of many hours of work.

Multitasking -- Engaging in multiple tasks at once. For example, driving while putting on lipstick and talking on the cellphone.

Net -- Summarize. Usage: 'Ed really knows how to net a presentation.'

Net it out -- Boil it down. Usage: 'Enough detail, just net it out.'

Nonlinear -- Irrationally angry. Usage: 'When Ed found out the story would be late, he went nonlinear.'

Offline -- Outside the confines of a mass meeting, so as not to take up the time of attendees not directly concerned with an issue.

Ohno-second -- That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Open The Kimono -- To reveal the inner workings of a project or company to a prospective new partner.

Own -- To take responsibility for an issue. Ownership is more serious than drivership.

Percussive Maintenance -- The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Permatemp -- Temp/contractor/contingent employee who's been working for a company for a consecutive period of years, rather than weeks or months.

Ping -- To remind. Usage: 'Ping Byna about getting more soda.'

Prairie Dogging -- When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Salmon day -- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Seagull Manager -- A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

SITCOMs -- Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Starter Marriage -- A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy -- A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out -- An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

TLA (Three Letter Acronym) -- Term coined by Microsoft employees for the ubiquitous acronyms of the high-tech age.

Three Finger Salute -- The Ctrl-Alt-Delete key combination that reboots a Wintel computer after it has locked up.

Umfriend -- A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dylan,"

Xerox Subsidy -- Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."


Dilbert in the workplace

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks; (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting mgr., ElectricBoat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for pervert's pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)



If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.


Driving Under the Influence

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. By this time everyone had left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"



10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3 You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)


1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.



The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c", sertainly, this will make the sevil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the languag is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a realy sensibl riten styl, zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand each ozer.


Eve & Adam

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.



17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that baby's gonna hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk ?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger........."


Five Duck Hunting Doc's

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.  After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. I'm not quite sure it's a duck, he said, I think that I will have to get a second opinion. And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. I'll have to do some more investigations, he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck? The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. Go see if that was a duck, will you?


Flipper the Firefighter!

Something to think about the next time you're having a bad day... (this was an article in the CALIFORNIA EXAMINER, March 20, 1998):

Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask.

A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully-clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast - some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was dropped 300 ft to play Smokey the Bear.



Football Player Version

Time Limit: 3 Weeks
You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

1.What language is spoken in France?
2.Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give
the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3.Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
___ (a) build a bridge;
___ (b) sail the ocean;
___ (c) lead an army; or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4.What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
5.Metric conversion: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6.What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
7.How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8.What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9.Spell: Bush, Carter and Clinton
10.Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George
the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11.Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12.Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?

___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13.What are coat hangers used for?
14.The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15.Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your
16.Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18.Advanced math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19.What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
20.The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D


George's Physical

90-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"


Go Cubs !!!

20 major events that have occurred since the Cubbies last won a World Series championship:

1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans get to hear their team lose.

2. TV was invented; Cubs fans get to see their team lose.

3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.

4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th, and 100th birthdays.

5. Haley's comet passed Earth...twice.

6. Harry Carey was born...and died. Incredible, but true.

7. The NBA, NHL, and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league. 8. Man landed on the moon, as have several homeruns given up by Cubs pitchers.

9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.

10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.

11. Prohibition was enacted and repealed.

12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.

13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League. The only world championship team whose home was Wrigley was the Bears.

14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field rooftop to hold all two of the team's World Series pennants. Those flag polls have since rusted and been taken down.

15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.

16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.

17. Bell bottoms came in style, went out of style, and came back in style; disco did the same.

18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox, and Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.

19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.

20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were admitted to the Union.



1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. You know stuff about tanks.

3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

4. You can open all your own jars.

5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

9. You can kill your own food.

10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

13. Your underwear is $10 a three-pack.

14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

15. Everything on your face stays its original color.

16. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from a passenger's seat.

17. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

18. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

19. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.

21. Same work...more pay.

22. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

23. Wedding dress - $2,000; Tuxedo rental $75.

24. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

25. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

26. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with... "So, notice anything different?"

28. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

29. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

30. You almost never have strap problems in public.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. You don't have to shave below your neck.

34. At least a few belches now and then are expected and generally tolerated.

35. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

36. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

37. (Optional) You spend only half as much for earrings.

38. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

39. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


Happy Halloween

A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a "BUMP... BUMP...BUMP..." behind him.

Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him


The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him, faster...faster

...BUMP ...BUMP ...BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping


on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door. Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything... all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough-drops at the coffin and..of..course..

..the coffin stops.


Help Me Cross The River

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.

The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs,and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof ! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.


How to give pills to cats & dogs

How To Give A Cat A Pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly

to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


1) Wrap it in bacon.


Resignation of Adulthood

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided

I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think MandMs are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.'s my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause...

Tag! You're it!


If Men Really Ruled The World
(from November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine)*

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.


- Submitted by J. Hovind

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.


Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"


Internet Hoaxes - rebuttal

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's, (sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC.

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&M’s, but if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the anti-perspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.


Internet myths joined together at last

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him a pop top tab and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every tab he receives. I also sent him an e-mail with a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to 20 people you will have good luck but 10 people you will only have OK luck and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at the other car and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And as he lost consciousness he remembered that it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.


It's in the mail

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that was good and encourage them, something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that letter said?














Oh, you didn't get one either?!?!


Jack Schitt

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt?. Now, you can handle the situation and recite the following to them to prove that you know the whole sordid genealogy.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee- deep Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school football lineman and dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them!!


Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets-they wrote reports-they sent faxes-they sent out e-mail-they sent out e-mail with attachments-they downloaded-they did some genealogy reports they made cards they did every known job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"

Jesus just sat and smiled.

Again, Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done.

As Jesus turned his computer back on, the screen glowed and when he pushed print, it was all there.

"How did he do it?" Satan asked.

God smiled and said "Jesus Saves."


Three Proofs

He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures

His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

He called everybody "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.


Killing Time at K-Mart

Things to do @ K-Mart while the spouse is taking his/her sweet time!

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Gray Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"



* Lerman's Law of Technology - Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary - You are never given enough time or money.

* Murphy's First Law for Wives - If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an after thought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Law of the Search - The first place to look for any thing is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary - It will not be the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation - The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom - The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance - Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living - As soon as you're doing what you wanted to be doing, you want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries - There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness - Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair - The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings - If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law - The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law - Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary - All breakdowns occur on the plumbers' day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment - When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law - The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus's Law - Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

* Troutman's Fifth Programming Postulate - If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.

* Lovka's Dilemma - You never get away, you only get someplace else.


Living in the UP

You know you're from the UP when:

You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car

You have 10 favorite recipes for venison You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled in with snow

You think that everyone from the city has an accent

You think that sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

The local newspapers cover national and international headlines on 1/4 of a page, but requires 6 pages for sports

Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday

Summer takes place the second week of July (and it still rains!!!)

You know which leaves make good toilet paper

You find -20F a little chilly

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your snow mobile boots

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout

You know the four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction

The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus

You drink Vernors and play Euchre

You actually 'get' these jokes and forward them to all your Michigan friends.


Microsoft Support Diagnostics

A Microsoft engineer at the shooting range picks up his rifle, aims, and squeezes off three quick rounds at the target. He stops, squints at the target, sees it hasn't been hit. He again lifts his rifle, aims, and squeezes off three more quick rounds. He stops, again squints at the target, again sees it hasn't been hit. He thinks for a moment, puts his hand over the end of the barrel, squeezes off another round, and blows a hole in his hand. He again thinks for a moment, drops the rifle, and yells toward the target: "It's leaving here just fine, the problem must be at your end."


Wise Women

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpet.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says, "because I love you best."

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade. . .It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom...

The Images of Mother:

My Mommy can do anything!

My Mom knows a lot!  A whole lot!

My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.

Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.

That old woman? She's way out of date!

Well, she might know a little bit about it.

Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....