In order to uncover Windows 98's Easter Egg you'll need to have on hand a world atlas. To begin, double-click the clock display in the system tray. When the Date/Time Properties sheet appears, select the Time Zone tab. Now, hold down the [Ctrl] key and click your left mouse button on the approximate location of Memphis, Egypt. Next, while still holding down the [Ctrl] key, imagine that you're dragging an object across the ocean and drop it on approximate location of Memphis, Tennessee. Don't release the [Ctrl] key. Then, click on the same imaginary object and drag it across the United States and drop in on Redmond, Washington. You can now release the [Ctrl] key. When you do so, a dialog box will appear containing a list the Microsoft Windows 98 developers. You'll also see a slide show of pictures from the Microsoft campus accompanied by the great music from the Welcome to Windows 98 screen you saw after you installed Windows 98. Be patient, you'll probably have to repeat the steps again several times to get it right.
=======
Egg: 3D Text screen saver
For those with a Win 95/98/NT system:
Choose "3D Text" (one of the OpenGL screen savers) and enter "volcano" (without quote marks) in the text box, and when screensaver comes on it will list volcanos by name.
=======
Shop Hours
OPEN Most Days
About 9 or 10
Occasionally as Early as 7, But SOMEDAYS
As Late as 12 or 1.
WE CLOSE About 5:30 or 6
Occasionally About 4 or 5, But
Sometimes as Late as 11 or 12.
SOMEDAYS OR Afternoons, We
Aren't Here At All, and Lately
I've Been Here Just About All The Time,
Except When I'm Someplace Else,
But I should Be Here Then, Too.
=======
Wanna Date My Daughter???
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.
So, I'll call out jovially. I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a barrier method of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is early.
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too-- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate --ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. Don't you remember being that age? she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
=======
Natural Selection
As we all know a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the pack that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
=======
OK ladies... pay attention...
1. If you think you
are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. You have enough clothes.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
17. If you do not dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, do not expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. If we do not look at other women, how can we know
how pretty you are?
20. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done, not both.
=======
Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer
10. The monitor is
up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflage.
AND the number 1
way to tell if a Redneck has been working on
a
computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
=======
Reporter's Attack
Two boys are playing football in Grant Park, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board from the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Chicago Bears Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal Attack", he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Bears' fan", the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Minnesota Vikings' Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack", he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Vikings' fan either", the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in the Midwest was either for the Bears or the Vikings. What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Packers fan. the child said.
The reporter starts
a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little
Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
=======
The Catholic
Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
=======
The Point System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make the
bed....................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative
pillows...........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets.........................-1
You leave the toilet seat
up........................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's
empty....................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to
Kleenex.........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next
bathroom...-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with
wings.................................................+5
But return with
beer................................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at
night............................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's
nothing....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something.................+5
You pummel it with a six
iron......................................+10
It's her
father....................................................-10
Social Engagements
------------------
You stay by her side the entire
party................................0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college
drinking
buddy......................................................-2
Named
Tiffany.......................................................-4
Tiffany is a
dancer.................................................-6
Tiffany has
implants................................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her
lovingly
..+1
When mingling, you introduce her as the
ol' ball and
chain
and pat her on the
rump...........................................-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you
if
you
think she is attractive, you say, Yes,
but nowhere
near as
attractive as you
................................................+1
You have one drink, and that's
it....................................0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle
.......-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being
fingerprinted
....-18
Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall
together.........................................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park
thecar..+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to
a
sports
bar........................................................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like
it.....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a
sectional
....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk
..............+3
Most of it chips and beer
..........................................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the
den
....+15
Or refinishing the
floors..........................................+16
Or rewiring the
basement...........................................+17
Or adding a second
floor...........................................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom
wastebasket........-6
And you're tickled pink about
it...................................-15
You visit her
parents................................................0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation
...............+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television
.........-3
And the television is
off...........................................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear.-6
And you didn't even go to
college..................................-10
And it's not your
underwear........................................-15
Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to
dinner...........................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
...............+1
Okay, it is a sports
bar............................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat
night.....................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is
painted the colors of your favorite
team.........................-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar
player........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and
sing..........................................................+4
If you
stink........................................................+2
If you're not half
bad..............................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted
out
to
much
applause.....................................................-2
You give her a
gift..................................................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance
....................-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance
.................+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't
chocolate.........................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months
..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that
day.......
.-10
With her credit
card...............................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big
......................-40
Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday
completely................................-120
You forget your
anniversary.......................................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus
station......................-45
Which is in Newark,
NewJersey......................................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg
cast........................-60
A Night Out With
The Boys
-------------------------
Go out with a pal
..................................................-5
And the pal is happily married
.....................................-4
Or frighteningly single
............................................-7
And he drives a
Mustang............................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)
.....................-15
You have a few
beers...............................................-9
And miss curfew by an
hour.........................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't
call.....................-20
You get home at
3am................................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
...........-40
And not wearing any
pants..........................................-50
Is that a
tattoo??...............................................-200
Her Night Out
-------------
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work..............................................................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes
home
late.............................................................+10
You wait
up.......................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to
bed....+20
A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV
together................................................0
You rent
amovie.....................................................+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY
......................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake
throughout..............+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall
asleep........................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and
drool .............-2
A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a
movie.............................................+2
You take her to a movie she
likes...................................+4
You take her to a movie you
hate....................................+6
You take her to a movie you
like....................................-2
It's called DeathCop
3..............................................-3
Which features cyborgs having
sex...................................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about
orphans..............-15
Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's
expected..........................0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of
it.........+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself
..........+30
And she contracts Lyme
disease.....................................-25
Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable
potbelly..................................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise toget rid of
.......+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans
and baggy Hawaiian
shirts.........................................-5
Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something
impractical...................-5
Something she can't
use............................................-10
Such a a motorized model
airplane..................................-20
And she got a small appliance for her
birthday.....................-40
Driving
-------
You lost the directions on a
trip...................................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting
lost....................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town
.....................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up
close and
personal...............................................-25
You know
them......................................................-60
The Big Question
----------------
She asks, Do I look
fat?............................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in
responding.........................................-10
You reply,
Where?..................................................-35
Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned
expression..................0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30
minutes.............+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the
TV......+10
=======
Training Courses now available for Women
1. Silence,
the Final Frontier: Where No
Woman Has Gone
Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait till After
the Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom
Cabinet
Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is HIS
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the
First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without
Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Wash It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remote: The Real Control
=======
How you KNOW you're in Southern California:
1. Your coworker
has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a
conversation
in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and
is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and
a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest
arugula.
9. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY Television broadcast.
11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps
and you don't even notice.
13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't notice that,
either.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 AM at Starbucks wearing the
baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ....on a work day.
17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in
drag.
18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about
STORM WATCH.
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
Blanks
himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. Your paperboy is working out a two-picture deal.
21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by
a horrific nine-car Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to
rubberneck
at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.
22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the
country,
as if we really care.
23. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cell phones and pagers.
24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early
to avoid all the weather-related accidents. (Well, Tom doesn't leave
early
but by all the accidents we heard about last time it rained--up north
in
LA--we can believe that people do!)
25. You AND your dog have therapists.
=======
1999 DARWIN NOMINEES
(1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed.
The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, Seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the hospital.
(2) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
(3) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
(4) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
(5) MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.
(6) In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.
The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
(7) RENTON, Washington, USA. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery.
This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
1999 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)
(1) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for each character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.
(2) In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and poisonous snake immediately bit Mr.Cruwe on the shin. Mr. Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.
(3) In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr.Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match.
The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr.Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air.
"There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
(4) TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the middle of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon investigation, no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and pulled his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the frigid waters of the Tacoma Narrows and Puget Sound and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "Is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's severed foot was never located.
(5) Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler were plucked out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now rampaging cow within its hold.
To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
=======
`Puter Upgrade
Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for Mac to NT conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.
There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K
problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch
has all of these funny little lines all
over the
screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my
Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the
shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create
a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the
background and foreground to the same
color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the
proper procedure for rebooting my
Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete
a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my
Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.
=======
A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
*Don't squat with your spurs on.
*Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
*Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
*If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
*After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: "When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut."
*Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
*There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.
*If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
*Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
*It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
*Always drink upstream from the herd.
*When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
*When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
*The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
*Never miss a good chance to shut up.
*There are three
kinds of men.
-The one that learns
by reading.
-The few who learn
by observation.
-The rest who have
to pee on the electric
fence for themselves.
=======
Airplanes & Pilots
-Rule one: No
matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
-Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to
avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior
skills.
-Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; an
airplane flies because of money.
-It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there
wishing you were down here.
-An airplane will probably fly a little bit over gross but it sure
won't fly without fuel.
-Think ahead of your airplane.
-I'd rather be lucky than good.
-The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep
the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break
out
in to a sweat.
-If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the
landing
lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn
'em
back off.
-A check ride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting
but still be long enough to cover everything.
-Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.
-No one has ever collided with the sky.
-Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
-Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five
minutes earlier.
-Don't drop the aircraft in order to fly the microphone.
-An airplane flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli,
not Marconi.
-Cessna pilots are always found in the wreckage with their hand around
the microphone.
-If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull
the stick back they get smaller.
-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.
-The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
-Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the
first!
-Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one
from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a
'great
landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
-The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
-IFR: I Follow Roads.
-You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power
to taxi.
-I had a fighter pilot's breakfast - two aspirin, a cup of coffee and
puke.
-Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles
by day.
-A smooth touchdown in a simulator is as exciting as kissing your
sister.
-A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round
and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to
become
random in motion.
-Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth
immediately repels them.
-Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
-Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.
-Pilots believe in clean living. They never drink whiskey from a dirty
glass.
-Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you.
Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. A navigator. Half a
second
ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
-If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
-What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's
a pilot.
-Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
-Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a
boy, but not for one who still is.
-There are four ways to fly: the right way, the wrong way, the company
way and the captain's way. Only one counts.
-A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.
-Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug
what it thinks about dogs.
-Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
-An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.
-Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn
Bridge. If he relies on winds-
- aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
-The friendliest stewardesses are those on the trip home.
-Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad
judgment.
-Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on
all those trips.
-Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
-The nicer an airplane looks, the better it flies.
-There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing:
Unfortunately,
no one knows what they are.
-It's a good landing if you can still get the doors open.
-Passengers prefer old captains and young stewardesses.
-The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a
copilot who once was a captain.
-Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next
airline.
-Any pilot who does not privately consider himself the best in the
game is in the wrong game.
-It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
-If God had intended man to fly he would have given him enough money
for a Bonanza.
-If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused
an accident, the NTSB would find a way to blame it on pilot error.
-Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
-A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the
outside. It's worse.
-Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid
form.
- Let's make a 360 and get the hell out of here!?!
-It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large
fortune.
-A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying
and about flying when he's with a woman.
-A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
-A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying, Up yours.
-Learning a little about flying is like leading a tiger by the tail
-- the end does not justify his means.
-The last thing every pilot does before leaving the aircraft after
making a gear up landing is to put the gear selection lever in the
'down'
position.
-Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
-Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
-Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your
takeoffs.
-Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
-You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
=======
Al Gore’isms
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. - Al Gore
Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. - Vice President Al Gore
Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts. - Vice President Al Gore
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. - Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. - Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. - Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. - Vice President Al Gore
The future will be better tomorrow. - Vice President Al Gore
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. - Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. --- Vice President Al Gore
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. - Vice President Al Gore
Public speaking is very easy. --- Vice President Al Gore to reporters in 10/95
I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat. --- Vice President Al Gore
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. - Vice President Al Gore
When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.- Vice President Al Gore
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. - Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/96
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. - Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
For NASA, space is still a high priority. --- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. - Vice President Al Gore, 9/18/95
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make. Vice President Al Gore
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. - Vice President Al Gore
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. Vice President Al Gore
[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system. - Vice President Al Gore AND, OF COURSE, (TO ALL USERS OF THE INTERNET), THE ALL TIME FAVORITE QUOTATION OF MR. AL GORE: As many of you know, I was very instrumental in the founding of the Internet ---AL Gore to Katie Couric 3/99
=======
Alice the golfer
Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.
The other three gathered around him and asked: What’s wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole it holds very difficult memories for me.
One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?
Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, this is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole.
Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!
Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice...
=======
Andy Rooney?
On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).
That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
On Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God ... give me your hand ... It won't be long now..."
On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
On Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
On Award Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote ... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
On Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah ... this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
=======
AOL as a Car
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH Speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. AOL car mechanics would have no experience whatsoever in car repair.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
14. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
15. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
16. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
17. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
18. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
19. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
20. Every time you
close the door on the AOL car it would
say,"Good-Bye."
=======
Beer can evaluation
Beer: The following is an actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month. (well maybe)
Miller Brewing
Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.
Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
1. Your cans are
made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container
may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface
of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum,
by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time).
These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer
Type
Average Suckpoint (min)
Miller Lite (white
can)
6.2
Bud (white
can)
5.5
Bud Lite (silver
can)
5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver
can)
4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold
can)
0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans.
All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
=======
Born in 1940's
If you were born between 1940 and 1950, this is for you!
* We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods,xerox,contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL.
* We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams and ball-point pens ... before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air-conditioners, drip-dry clothes -- and before man walked on the moon.
* We got married first -- and THEN lived together. How quaint can you be??
* In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out" of. Bunnies were small rabbits, and rabbits were not Volkswagons. Designer jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie. And having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins.
* We thought fast food was what we ate during lent, and Outer Space was the back of the Riviera Theatre.
* We were born before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers and computer marriages.
* We were born before day-care centers, group therapy and nursing homes.
* We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yogurt, and guys wearing earrings.
* For us, "time sharing" meant togetherness -- not computers or condominiums, a "chip" meant a piece of wood, hardware meant hardware, and software wasn't even a word!
* In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam.
* Pizzas, McDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of.
* We hit the scene when there were Five and Dime stores where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. You could buy ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime, and for one nickel you could ride a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi,or buy enough stamps to mail one letter and TWO postcards!
* You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 .... but who could afford one?? A pity, too, because gas was only 11 cents a gallon.
* In our day, Cigarette smoking was fashionable; Grass was mowed; Coke was a cold drink; Pot was something you cooked in; Rock Music was a grandmother's lullabye; and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.
* We were certainly not born before the difference between the sexes was discovered, but we were surely before the sex change -- we made do with what we had.
* And we were the
LAST generation that was so dumb as to think
you needed
a husband to have a baby.
=======
Classified Ads
The following were actually taken from ads in newspapers:
Free Yorkshire
Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog
----------------------------------
German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
----------------------------------
1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
----------------------------------
Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
----------------------------------
Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.
----------------------------------
2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
----------------------------------
Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own
1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.
----------------------------------
83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000
----------------------------------
Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15
----------------------------------
Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89
----------------------------------
Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.
----------------------------------
FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
----------------------------------
Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
----------------------------------
Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"
----------------------------------
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
----------------------------------
HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"
----------------------------------
Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
----------------------------------
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
----------------------------------
Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.
----------------------------------
Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained
----------------------------------
American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100
----------------------------------
Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
----------------------------------
Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175
----------------------------------
Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
----------------------------------
Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300
----------------------------------
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
----------------------------------
Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember
----------------------------------
Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell
----------------------------------
Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts
----------------------------------
Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.
----------------------------------
Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.
----------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.
=======
Comprehending Engineers
Comprehending
Engineers
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well,
I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off
all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer
nodded
approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending
Engineers
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect
said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because
of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each
assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the
plant and get some work done."
Comprehending
Engineers
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending
Engineers
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The
graduate
with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with
an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with
an
Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Comprehending
Engineers
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to
be.
Comprehending
Engineers
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending
Engineers
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical
engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The
last
said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste
pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending
Engineers
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
-----
Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Comprehending
Engineers
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect
said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring
relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
because
of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress,
they
will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you
can
go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending
Engineers
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He
bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again
and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I
will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with
you
and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled
at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What
is
the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
that I'll
stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss
me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
=======
So ya live in TX -
Top 20 things not to say to a cop.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
12. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
18. What do you mean, Have I been drinking? You're the trained specialist.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. (Also OK in Texas).
=======
Training Courses Now Available for Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
0. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your
Limitations: Just Because You
Have Power Tools
Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It